Why finances can cause relationship conflicts and what to do about it.
Do one thing: If you find it difficult to talk about money, it’s time to get some practice. Confide in your partner or a trusted friend and set a time to have a talk on one topic, which can be anything from finding a budget that works for you to steps for saving more from each paycheck. Then rinse and repeat.
Money and Our Emotions
Psychologists have been studying the effects of money on relationships for years now, seeking to better understand why our finances can be such a significant cause of strife between partners and family members – and sometimes even our friends.
Psychology of Money
There are a few theories that try to explain – at least to some degree – the psychological impact of money, according to research from Psychology Today.
Economic Exchange. One of those is the economic exchange theory, which suggests that we humans sometimes use money as a reward or punishment in our relationships. As you can imagine, when this happens it can create feelings of inferiority – such as the feeling you are ‘less than’ someone else because of a lack of money.
Americans Still Aren’t Talking About Money
Money conflicts only seem to become more complicated – and mentally exhausting – as we age and develop deeper relationships with our friends, families, and partners.
A 2023 study of 2,000 U.S. adults by financial planning firm Empower conducted by the Harris Poll found:
- 62% of respondents don’t talk about money with others.
- 75% said they specifically don’t discuss finances with friends.
- 46% admitted to talking with a spouse or partner about money.
Money Fights Can Predict Breakups
An inability to share thoughts and feelings about money openly could eventually lead to tension in personal relationships that boils over into fights about money – how and what we spend, why we do or don’t save, etc. When it comes to couples, research spanning several decades shows that arguing about money is one of the top predictors of whether two people will stay together or call it quits.
Don’t lose hope just yet. There are things we can do to improve how we communicate with our partners (and everyone else) regarding our finances and money in general.
It’s Time to Open up
For starters, we have to make ourselves talk more about a subject that may have been taboo in our household growing up. So many people never talked about money at home and it shows.
Start With a Conversation
“There are couples out there who naturally get excited about money and financial goals, but for most couples, discussing finances is a dreaded chore that is only done when absolutely necessary,” says Stanley Liu, M.D., an investment advisor and financial planner. “Money conversations can cause uncomfortable issues to bubble to the surface, such as differences in values, attitudes toward money, shame, blame, defensiveness for past financial mistakes, and other conversation topics that are not fun or romantic.”
Get on the Same Page
Liu says the single most helpful goal a couple could have is to strive to get on the same page about what each person wants out of life and how they would like their dream future to look, noting: “A nice date night or a weekend getaway would be a great chance to get on the same page with your partner in terms of life dreams, values, and what you want your legacy to be.”
Once that happens, he says, the money conversations can eventually come easier, as they occur in the context of shared life goals and values.
Seek Help With Money Talks and More
We know opening up about money can be a real challenge for some couples – OK, many couples. Not everyone can get there on their own. Sometimes, spouses need to seek guidance from a third party, such as a financial planner with experience assisting couples, which can help bring out someone’s deeper goals and values.
Tips for Success: One way to find a trustworthy financial advisor is to:
- Ask for referrals from those you trust.
- Utilize free online databases including the Certified Financial Planner Board of Standards or the Financial Planning Association to help guide your search.
Members of these associations complete lengthy training processes and have the credentials needed to offer financial planning advice and counseling.
Once you’ve narrowed down your advisor search:
- Interview several advisors before settling on one.
- Make sure you and your partner both feel comfortable with the person before committing to work together.
With reporting by Casandra Andrews